The Best Films I (N)ever Directed

These won't appear in the chronology.

Here’s some extraneous fluff to tide you over while I record some new episodes.

I've never made a movie, and I'm sure I never will. I love to watch films, but I have neither the means nor the wherewithal to make one. Nonetheless, I started wondering, what if I had been making movies all my life? What would be my best run of 5 films in a row? I came up with my fictional filmography from 1999 to 2011. What about you? What is your best 5-year run? Bonus points if you actually made the movies!

Action!

Po’ Lazarus (1999)

Hebrews 9:27 tells us, “We die only once, and then we are judged.” That’s all fine and well for most of us, but for Lazarus, played by Nic Cage, it means walking the earth for 2000 years, unable to die. All he wants is to return to Heaven, the paradise he experienced for only a few moments before his shocking resurrection. With the y2k apocalypse pending, he hopes his chance to die again is at last approaching.

The Philatelist (2001)

Clint Eastwood stars as the aged proprietor of a stamp collecting shop, and former special forces soldier, who takes on the cartel after discovering one of their members has been buying inexpensive stamps at his shop, then selling them online for thousands of dollars in a scheme to launder drug money.

That Dark Touch of Death (2005)

Oliver Platt is a hard-boiled detective who finds himself embroiled in a complex plot to extort money from a wealthy widow that forces him to explore the darkest corners of a decaying city. He infiltrates a ring of human traffickers, only to learn that they are killing the children they kidnap as part of a sinister ritual. A dark and disturbing neo-noir, but shot in the vivid and colorful style of Umbrellas of Cherbourg.

The Restaurateur (2009)

Sal, played by Paul Giamatti, has recently become a made man. He’s rising in the ranks of the mob, and he’s flush with money, so he opens up a restaurant as a front to launder the cash. He completely neglects the place, expecting it to exist only to serve its purpose, but somehow it thrives. Pretty soon it gets so popular that he's so busy running the restaurant he doesn't have time to commit crimes. At first he's upset, but then he realizes that he prefers running the restaurant to crime, so he sticks with it, much to the dismay of his associates in the mob.

No Reservation (2011)

Bradley Cooper is the CIA’s top spy. He’s hot on the trail of El Mapache, played by Joaquin Phoenix, a deadly assassin who’s about to trigger World War 3. But there's a problem. There’s also a great restaurant in the unnamed exotic city they’re in, and Cooper really wants to eat there. Unfortunately, it's a tough reservation to get, so he keeps making excuses with headquarters as for why the op has to take longer. The mission slowly takes a backseat to Cooper’s culinary ambitions, as he utilizes all his training as a spy to get a table at the restaurant.